want some fail with that?
by regenerate
Summary: AU. Team 7. "Sakura, Sasuke is hiding in your dorm-room again." "Why? " "I gave the cafeteria his phone number."


When Naruto was eight years old he split his lip on the slide. When Sasuke was eight years old he stood at the end of the slide, laughing his ass off. When Sai was eight years old he drew pictures of 'wee-wee's on his notebook, eventually getting sent to time-out where pink-haired Sakura (eight years old) was trudging to the nurse, nursing a blackeye and ripped out chunks of pink hair.  
It just so happened that Naruto, (who was condescendingly led there by Sasuke) went to the nurse at the exact same time,  
where Sai was also with Sakura following her to learn what a 'wee-wee' was.

Which was where Naruto asked Sakura if she was okay, and Sakura burst into tears.  
Which led to Sasuke giving her a tissue and telling her that her nose was running and boogers were gross.  
Which lead to Sakura punching his eye  
And Sai telling him that Sakura had a wee-wee, (though he still didn't know what that was)  
and Naruto punched him in the face.

Which lead to one day where all of them were in the nurse's office with black eyes, dirty cheeks and split lips.  
Somewhere along the line Naruto said that they should all be friends.

Sasuke made vomiting sounds (because that was so cheesy and sissy-like).  
Sakura cried harder (because no one wanted to be _her _friend )  
And Sai drew all of them with wee-wee's on a notebook.

12 years later?

They still haven't changed.

x

**Want some Fail with That?  
**by dear aerith

x

It was on one eventful morning that Uzumaki Naruto (currently majoring in politics, which to be frank, no one really believed him), sat next to his best friend, Uchiha Sasuke (who would eventually take over the family business which landed him up with Bill Gates in the price-range) with his other best friend, Haruno Sakura, who wanted to major in a Doctor's Degree (because she was brilliant) along with Sai Root, (who did art, and not just phallic art) the fourth best friend, and blurted out,

"I have a great idea."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow as he stirred the vanilla-cream into his black coffee. Sai swallowed his hard-boiled egg while Sakura smacked him. "You could choke," She snapped, and Naruto pulled them all into his arms and said, "Guys, I'm going to be honest-"

"I'm not giving you money.." Sasuke snapped into his shoulder. (Really he was the best), and Naruto opened his mouth to say,  
"How-"  
And Sasuke sniffed, muttering, "Because, you're wearing the same pants and shirt you wore the day before. They smell." Naruto muttered something about 'gayass' under his breath while Sasuke sniffed disdainfully, it wasn't his fault he had good fashion-sense. Sakura drawled out boredly, "You two really are precious, so much that I do believe I'll have to battle the _**totally not pedophile **_Priest Orochimaru in New York to marry you, but you know some of us are more worried about the right and left ventricle right now, which eventually leads to saving lives, so if you could please..-"

"I want to start a business." Naruto blurted out.  
Naruto, who at age 10 said that he wanted to live on a ramen farm (which didn't exist, and Sasuke had oh so innocently told him did in hopes of getting him to go on a 'vacation' ),  
who slept at any job he ever had, and when he was serious about it, usually he was so serious that it scared away the customers because he was screaming 'BELIEVE IT'  
over and over again so many times that they filed complaints of an employee 'using illegal substances', who believed until he was thirteen that the President didn't do anything  
and that was the perfect job which still hadn't changed in his mind and-

"**_HAH. AHAH. AHAHAHAHAHA!"_**

The cafeteria was silent as Sasuke slammed a fist onto table and flat out _guffawed. _Sakura lifted her head (and her spectacles) from her book, Sai shrugged, deciding to Youtube Sasuke's laugh because we all know the whole student body wants his ass, charging a fee for selling his art. ('Which wasn't porn, really Sakura'.) And Naruto had only seen Sasuke laugh a few times in his life. The first time had been when they met and he slid down the slide and split his lip since he flipped over halfway down, and Sasuke was at the end patiently waiting like a good boy (while laughing his ass of as stated before this chapter began) or the time his brother came out of the closet in front of his father.

"Sasuke-" Sakura began placatingly, but Sai put a hand over her mouth, the phone in his other hand diligently recording the video. Naruto swallowed his noodles, looking very astute and professional, even though everyone was staring. "Wow, Naruto that was...god, that was great!" Sasuke began, an almost creepy smile of delight on his face as his face broken into a grin. Naruto gulped at the smile. The smile was promptly ripped off his face as he grabbed his collar and hissed, "You're _retarted. _"

The blonde stood up, stared at the public (eventually when he became President he decided that practicing how to control the crowd would really come in handy) and cleared his throat. "After that recent episode ladies and gentleman, I'd like to tell you that Sasuke is willlingly taking his medication, and should prove no serious threat to your day. I'd also like to say his room is on the third floor of the boy's dorm, and he loves visitors. His favorite color is pink and he is looking for a serious relationship. Good day, folks. Good day." The cafeteria erupted in screams, (mostly girls but Sakura could count a few boys) .

"Go jump in a river and die there, dobe." Sasuke muttered, massaging his forehead. He'd have to change the lock to his doorknob again that would cost a bitch. Good thing he was the epitome of Sasuke Gates. But Naruto only batted his eyelashes and said, "Only if we jump in holding hands, Sassy."  
Sakura cleared her throat. "Anyway, before you two became more stupid, what was this about business? And please Naruto, make it quick, your brain can only stay on one subject for approximately forty-five seconds. Sai? " She nodded to her left, as Sai finished recording Sasuke's laugh, sent it to Youtube, and began taking out a timer. "Go."

"We should all do jobs together because I'm about to get kicked out of school because I'm broke and Sasuke doesn't have to come even though he will because I know you'll help me Sakura so he'll help because he's loved you since we've been in sixth grade and I think it'd be fun to do it together and-"

"31...32..." Sai muttered in her ear. "

"AndTemedoesn'-"

"45." Sai said flatly as his phone timer went off, and true to tradition, Naruto took a slurp out of his ramen, and said with a bright grin, "Wow Sakura-chan you look really pretty today!"

Sakura turned flatly to Sasuke, who had out a notebook, a pen, and had speedily recorded Naruto's babbling. Sasuke knew Narutonese better than most, since he had to live with it. Eyebrow raised, she said calmly, "Sasuke, please read what Naruto said. Or verbally pooped." His pen twitching over the notebook, the Uchiha said flatly, hoping to god his face wasn't pink, mumbled,

"He wants us to do jobs around the place for money. More clearly, money that will keep him in a dorm since he's broke. Essentially jobs that people need done, usually involving a tacky sign, since this is Naruto and I know him more than I should, orange paint and broken dreams."

Naruto tilted his head.

"Wow did I say that?"

"..."

"Sasuke, is that all he said? Because I heard my name in there.." Sakura said curiously, and Sasuke cleared his throat, looked away trying to be as aloof and professional as possible. Because in reality that wasn't all he had said, because Naruto _was _right, as always, somehow anyway, but the point was he had been in love with Haruno Sakura for almost eleven years and it had nothing to do with her punching him the eye, and all the more because she was brilliant and beautiful and he could really go on and on about her (in his head since he never learned how to talk as a baby except with 'hn's') and she had _no idea _no **idea **but instead all he could do was stiffly rise from his seat with a loud sound, and announce,

"Yeah that's about it. Now I'm going to wash my hands of this stupid.  
And Sakura I'm not gay. I'm not sure about Naruto though."

Naruto grinned at Sakura and began to hum  
'When a Man Loves a Woman' under his breath all the while showing Sai and Sakura his notes on the idea.  
And Sasuke was right. They were in bright orange.

x

**To: CherryBoomBoom  
From: BeautifulandBlonde  
****Subject: **Wow I smell stupid in the library hallway. I think it starts with 'N.'

Hey Forehead. Naruto is wearing hideous orange overalls while Sai is playing 'Billionaire'  
on his ipod. They have a table set up outside and Naruto is passing out flyers that say  
"Odd Jobs Hotline'. He knows that's something you do on the phone, right?  
Right?

**To: **BeautifulandBlonde  
**From: **CherryBoomBoom  
**Subject: **Really? I've learned to breath in through my teeth at that smell.

No, Ino, because this is Naruto.  
I'll be right back, I have to go mix arsenic in my orange juice  
and hope to god it's enough.  
Oh and I don't know Naruto. Who is this Naruto you speak of?

PS.  
Should I just follow the music?  
-

"What. Is. This."

Naruto glances up at his only female best friend, who at the moment is fresh out of Lab, white labcoat full of stains and her face slightly pattered with smoke. She takes off protective glasses and slams her hands on the table, turns off Travis Mccoy and bares her teeth like a lioness. _Sasuke would think that's really hot, _he muses to himself, as his panting, pissed off best friend raises an orange paper with point 32 font and a picture of herself, himself, Sai and Sasuke all together. Okay, more like cropped out their faces, and put them on the bodies of another photograph, preferably people with business suits. All of them are smoking cigars, and all of them are MALE BODIES.

**Team 7 Odd Jobs Hotline  
We Do Everthing!  
****.**

**.  
Leave your dorm room, problem  
on the list. Or plz contact Nartoe Uzumaki.  
**

**"**You can't even spell your own damn name, and what the hell is with these pictures? I am not a man." She snarled, proceeding to rip up the papers. Naruto whined aloud, "Hey Sakura-channnnn that took like...fifteen minutes." Sai coughed. "Actually twenty since I had to find a picture that made sure to have all four penis-wielding business men on Google." He said calmly. "And it's not easy, since Naruto wanted cigars." He shrugged, while Sakura literally took a deep breath, staring at Naruto, cheerfully smiled, "Um, Sakura-chan you're in front of the line."

She turned slowly, and in that instant Sakura's life flashed in front of her eyes. The flawless grades, the kiss she hadn't had yet, the slumber parties, the time Naruto went to jail for talking about meth-farms, it all began to pile up like rows, neat perfect diploma stacks and majors in her mind, all the hospitals she wanted to apply for suddenly crumpled like a stack of bricks as she stared at her grinning self on the body of an obese business man on a poorly spelled advertisement paper.

Surprisingly, at least ten people were in that line. Like Ino, who looked half-way like she wanted to pull her into her arms and stroke her hair, her boyfriend of three years Shikamaru, who looked mortified but his mouth was twitching. Oh, and Karin, who she was sure just wanted to get the services of a certain Uchiha. But what was worst, no what was worse, was that Tsunade herself was in that line, looking very serious and very _interested. _

Sakura wanted to cry. "P-Professor Tsunade I can explain..." She began, trying to adjust her frazzled hair, her soot-covered labcoat. Tsunade was not only visiting this school to recruit canidates for her medical school in the north, but was the most beautiful well known doctor in the area. And Sakura was on the body of an OBESE businessman on a mispelled job advertisement with incorrect word usage, (HOTLINE, HOTLINE? She didn't even..) with her three best friends.

"You kidding? I need to know where to get some good clubs around here." She said loudly, and Naruto waved a jar of change from his place at the table, grinning ear to ear. "That'll be 20 dolla, since we'll have to recon and test these clubs, heheh if you know what I mean." Sakura almost screeched, but her throat was as dry as paper and her face was white. She waited to feel Tsunade's eyes on her, thinking she was an idiot for being associated to this moron, but instead, the blonde woman only glided to the front, pushing a few out of her way and left her number in neat cursive. "I'll leave fifteen. Twenty if you actually get the job done. Oh and please don't use racist terms like 'dolla' and whatnot. I'm sure Mr. Root finds it very offensive to his people."

As she clicked away, she offered a twitch in her mouth at Sakura's disheveled appearance, "Haruno clean yourself up. You look like you swallowed a cup of broken dreams this morning."

Sai boredly turned the music back on, saying aloud, "I paint nails for five dolla. Five dolla. Put that on the list, Nartoe."

x

Eventually they had at least 20 people on the list with various dorm rooms, names, and numbers.  
The list went from a stopped-up toilet, getting a girlfriend, to escaping the police, to smuggling drugs.  
Sakura's now crazy eyes couldn't stay focused on one thing, she was too busy reaching for her inhaler in her cheap purse she bought at Target.

"Ugly, we can always fix the sign you know. I mean I guess I could put you on a stripper's body. You know they have more than you have on your chest and-"  
"I DON'T WANT TO BE ON IT PERIOD!" Sakura screeched, panting as she tried to reach him over the table, aiming for his throat. Oddly enough Naruto was the calmest one at the moment, hands up, palms facing her, he said slowly, "Sakura-chan, I'd like you to take a few deep breaths, okay? Very slowly I'd like you to release your hand's from Sai-teme's windpipe, while I count to three, okay? Very slowly...  
"Yeah Ugly, can you see yourself wearing stripes and orange in a small room? You couldn't handle it." Sai said, not really helping the situation, but hey it was his throat.

"...I...how..this...why? Joking..yesterday..morning you were...joking.." Sakura babbled incoherently, finding that her hands physically did not know HOW to let go of Sai's throat, even while Naruto quickly blurted out three and reached to put Sakura's face in his hands, looking up into her wildly roving eyes.

"Sakura-chan, I need this. I need money to stay at this school. Besides I thought it'd be fun if we all did it together..."

"FUN? How on earth is this fun? We have helping people smuggle drugs, get girlfriends, smuggle pictures of SASUKE to random people we don't know, have Sasuke model NAKED for people we don't know, hell, even UNSTOP A TOILET! AND NOW WE'RE HELPING TSUNADE-SAMA FIND A GOOD CLUB WHEN I JUST WANT TO HELP HER SEE HOW FREAKING SMART I AM SO I CAN GO TO A GOOD SCHOOL AND AND-..."

"Sakura, your inhaler." Sai said simply, and she released her hands as Naruto shoved it into her mouth. "Okay my turn." He said as she sucked whatever was in it through her mouth like a lifeline, and after a few minutes, Sai politely ripped it out of her mouth and pressed it to his, trying to pump air into his almost strangled throat.

_Fifteen Minutes and One Haruno Patented Mental Breakdown later..._

"Naruto, why can't you just ask Sasuke to give you some money? Speaking of which where _is _Sasuke? Does he know that he's on this? Do you know what he'll do to you? Do you know what _we'll _do to you if you take this seriously? " She snapped, still absentmindedly breathing through her inhaler, flipping the radio to K-hits and waiting for Cardio Radio to come on. The dorm hallways were empty, most of the students went out to lunch, something Naruto would have done with the rest of the group or just the four of them, usually at the ramen-stand outside the campus, but Sakura began to grasp that the situation was actually serious, because Naruto hadn't gone yet. Which meant he didn't have money, which meant that things were serious.

Suddenly the idea of Naruto not crashing into her dorm-room at 3:00 in the morning sounded appealing. But then she thought about the times he came and gave her boxes of cereal or smoothies or the caramel frappe from Starbucks when she was cramming for tests or how he'd watch TV with her when she was on her period -(even if it was Lifetime or old Audrey Hepburn movies) and realized that she could never survive college without him. Or any of them for that matter.

"Because if I ask teme then his dad will get mad at him. He thinks he's being irresponsible and he doesn't want him going 'rouge' like his brother. Who we all know is still in Hawaii modeling with his boyfriend." Naruto muttered, (Sai imitated Itachi's somewhat girly voice, "ALOHA BABY.") from next to him, while Sakura tried very hard to stay mad at them. To stay mad at Sai, who was busy doodling on one of the spare flyers, at Naruto, who was staring down at his shoes, utterly irresponsible but so _good _and _kind _and at herself, in her soot-covered labuniform and her fat man-self on the advertisement paper and she realized that she was failing.

She was failing at being mad,_ miserably. _

_"_But why Team 7?" She said after a pause, trying to avoid the beams of hope flying like rainbows out of Naruto's eyes, or the way Sai almost smiled.

"Because that's our lucky number. We were always grouped in that number and when we're all together it just works." Naruto said earnestly. "Also I really like the drink 7-up so I thought it was kind of cool and remember how I always won at -"

Covering his mouth, Sai said flatly, "Let's face it, college without Naruto will be _normal. _Normal doesn't work with us, Sakura." And it was really serious because Sai only called her Sakura when he was pissed, bored, or seriously serious about something. "And you know, I don't think it works for Little Dick either." Sakura snorted. Sai always got the biggest rush out of torturing Sasuke.

"So please, Sakura-chan..I'll work hard. I-I just thought people might take me seriously if we all did it together..and-" Sakura handed him her inhaler. "Shut up. We're going to Ichiraku's and then we're going to look for Sasuke. Actually, I'm going to call Sasuke." She snapped, "And then we're going to redo these signs, you're going to get my face off this sign, we're going to get my Mac so I can grammar proof this sign, and then we're going to make it look professional. And you _will _explain to Tsunade why I am helping you because I am a good, giving person and she _will _give me a spot on her interview forms and-.." She reached for his hand, and tugged on it roughly.

"And we _will _stay together."

Naruto nodded dumbly, a bit frightened when Sakura got all determined, but most of all, he offered a faint half-grin, mostly nervous, like he was confessing a crime. "..Maybe only bits and pieces of Sasuke." He said timidly, and Sakura's eyebrow rose.

"He shouted Sasuke's room number." Sai said flatly.

"Oh shit."

_Ring Ring-  
_

"You reached Uchiha Sasuke. If you've gotten this  
it's only if either you're Sakura, the dobe, or the asshole.  
Sai, if you gave my number I will kill you.  
Naruto, if you gave away my underwear, I will _maim _you then kill you.  
Sakura don't let anyone have your number. "

_Click. _

_._

_._

Sakura sighed as they walked down the boys dorm, realizing the minute they walked in that the halls were _flooded _with women. At the head of the line was Karin, who was wandering up the stairs to where inevitably, the three cringed, Sakura more outwardly, to Sasuke's room. Behind her the army of admirers followed, and Naruto whistled. "I hope they don't go through my room." Punching his shoulder Sakura muttered, "He's in my room. That's where we all go when we have shitty issues. " True, they always went to her room to cram, eat, or talk. Well, as much as you could with Sasuke anyway.

Naruto leered at her, "He _would _be in your room." And Sakura blinked at him. "Well yeah we're best friends..aren't we?" Walking down the sidewalk back to the girl's dorms, oblivious to mostly Sai's wiggling of the eyebrows and Naruto's grin.

x

x

"I'd better brave this alone. "

"But Sakura-chan.."

"He won't maim me, Naruto. You, definitely. Sai, obviously. Not me. But that doesn't  
mean I won't maim you two once I talk to him."

"..."

"Go eat the cafeteria food and try to contemplate what you've condemned us to."

"But the food smells Sakura-chan..it smell of old lady hair and dirty fingernails.."

"You better eat it Naruto. You better eat it."

x

x

Sakura knocked on the door, taking off her sooty labcoat. "Sasuke. Open the door. It's me."  
"No way, you recorded Sakura's voice." A sulky, mullish man's voice echoed from far in the depths of her room.  
Well, more like a single room with a bathroom. So not really depths.

"Look Sasuke, I need to pee.  
If I have to wet my pants trying to get to _my _bathroom I'm going to throw you out, leave you in the hallway and see what's left of you come sixth period."

The door opened almost instantly, well, a crack anyway, and a single slanted dark eye looked her up and down. "You look like you came from a meth farm."  
He said flatly, and Sakura bit her lip to keep from saying something else. It was times like these when they were alone that she remembered how gorgeous her best friend was,  
with his messy ink-black hair that fell in short bangs slanted across his forehead, to his serious dark eyes that were almost slanted and had more eyelashes than she had. Which was not fair. At all.  
All her best friends were gorgeous, hell, she was a girl she knew that much. But there was something about quiet, dark Sasuke out of their 'team' as Naruto put it, that always made her wonder why he'd never dated.

He eventually opened the door and Sakura trudged in, kicking off her heels and wincing as one of them hit the wall. Sasuke made a 'tsk' sound as he plopped on her pastel-pink bed and crossed his arms, hissing out, "Lock the door, woman." He fidgeted some. Save for the slight dishevel of his hair and the lipstick marks on his cheeks, the way his shirt collar slightly hung more to the left of his shoulder, he seemed as usual, perfectly pretty.

She didn't have a word to tease him with, he looked so pitiful, eyes darting to the left and the right. Sitting next to him, she decided to keep the hideous orange advertisement paper hidden, letting herself instead take his hand, and look him in the eyes, as solemnly and slowly as possible.

"Bad day?" She said quietly, and he flinched, twitching again. "I'm not your patient Sakura. Don't practice that on me. I've been touched enough today." He muttered waspishly, and she elbowed him irritably. "It gets better, trust me."

His eyes flashed dangerously, and Sakura took a breath. "You want it now or later?" Sasuke seemed to chew on some invisible gum then, his jaw popping and repopping, shoulders cracking as he stared at her soft white carpet. Courtesy of Ino since she knew her boys didn't understand necessity and quality like she did. Okay maybe Sasuke did. He DID help her buy a dress for prom once..and went with her since she didn't want to go with Lee, but that was another story-

"..It's bad isn't it." Sasuke said sullenly, and she squeezed his hand. "Yeah, it's pretty bad."

"...Let's do it then, Sakura." He said grumpily, running a hand through his hair, jaw tense and tight.

Sakura took out the paper, slowly, his dark eyes following the orange, immediately saying, "Naruto"..

"Wait what is this..."

"Nartoe?"

"...Who are these-wait that's..that's..."

"...he left our phone numbers..._my_ phone number..."

Sakura took out the list, the problems, some of which pertained to him being naked or  
Sai smuggling video's of him from his phone for money.

And Sasuke gave a very pitiful moan just then, as he slumped backwards onto Sakura's bed, and fainted.

x

Somewhere downstairs Naruto found a fingernail in his soup.

* * *

So I had this idea from a prompt for my fic, _keep breathing darling, _but as I tried to write a good oneshot, it somehow got longer and turned into a story. A story that's surprisingly free-style. Which means basically Team 7 is going to do odd jobs around campus. You can give me some ideas in reviews, which I will be really wanting. They keep me motivated to write more. I'm pretty excited about it even if it sounds stupid. I also like the idea of Sasuke being the one pining away for Sakura because let's face it, it's funny. Plus I miss Team 7. A lot of the characters will be appearing. It'll be SasuSaku because I think I'd like to try Sasuke being the one all Sakura-ish. In his Sasukeway. But mostly it will be Team 7 ish.

Pleaseplease review! It will determine how fast I write. Don't just alert it, I'd like to hear what you think. I'll update once I get enough feedback/reviews to see if I'm going in the right direction. :)


End file.
